22, many-triggered

12.07.2011

tell me the truth; posted at 12/07/2011 03:20:00 PM

I talked to my therapist yesterday. We talked about the week that passed and worries that I had the past few days. I told him that I still couldn't trust my partner completely because I felt that he was holding something back from me.

I told him that I also felt awkward because he hadn't done anything to close his past relationship, and as a result it seems like his ex has begun to blame me for the demise of their relationship, when, as I candidly (and surprised at myself) blurted out that "they did a good job of doing that for themselves," and it just bothered me that issues they needed to close were being unloaded onto me, as a scapegoat.

He asked me, "so what did you tell your partner?" and I replied that "I told him that I think it would be better if he talked to his ex honestly, told him when he started seeing other guys, and to clarify that they were over when we met, and that they should just have that last talk to finally bury the dead, let it out sea."

He contemplated for a moment and asked me what I felt about their breakup, seeing that I came into the picture two weeks after their Titanic sunk, so to speak.

I spoke slowly. "I felt, and even encouraged my partner to come forward and clear the air between him and his ex. It bothered me that later on he would insist that they become friends, and from the start I cautioned him that he should just let it alone, treat it like an execution, because it was a one-sided breakup. No one can be friends after years of deception and heartbreak--I told him that he should wait for years before even considering this possibility, and even then he must wait for his ex to extend that olive branch of friendship, not him."

I added, "I wonder why it wasn't obvious to him that this was the way to do things--even those older than me have done it themselves and I was younger, and I knew this lesson. I guess you just can't erase four, five years."

My therapist looked at me and said, "Why is it important to you that he talks to his ex about the rumors he seems to be putting around?"

And I replied that I'd always been wary of crossing the line between where I began and where they ended, and now that it was personal (imagine, I stole his man and he’s telling people!) it bothered me because we had common friends.

While that's a shallow reason, the deeper end of what bothers me is that they have unfinished business and it's starting to haunt me as well. It's supposed to be none of my business, but this is another level--I'm getting drawn into that thing that was supposed to end months ago.

"I wonder why his ex just reacted like this now, perhaps there was a trigger?" he asked me.

I mentioned that upon reading his ex's blog, he'd strangely been on the periphery--almost stalker like, as if his mind had been attuned to look for his ex and there he was, with me, in an entirely different reality from him.

I added that in the last month or two, my partner had moved, my partner insisted on taking his ex's stuff to his new place so that he could text his ex to pick it up next time. I told him maybe he'd like to just leave it in the old apartment, and let his ex come over and see if he'd like anything else from his old things. And I only said this because my partner told me he wanted to move so he could have a new start of sorts, and bringing your ex's old stuff into your new place isn't exactly moving on.

On hindsight if I'd had let him take those things so that they could have a nice talk when they met again, then it would have been done with before.

The doctor asked me, "Is it important that he talk to his ex regarding this thing? What does it signify?"

I answered that for the longest time, I'd felt that my partner had held back giving some fundamental things, or perhaps, just initiative. I mentioned that when I started dating him, he'd insisted I stay at his place that was full of his ex's things.

I told the doctor, "I told myself I'd wait a month or two, see if he'd get it gone by himself, out of courtesy to me. After all he'd been the one to actively pursue me, but he never did until I asked, a month and a half later. And more importantly, we had switched roles. I was now the one waiting on him and waiting for his next move—unlike when we started. The more I gave, the less I seem to have gotten.

It isn't important that in regards to his ex saying silly things about me, that he talk to him and clear the air now--the ex said he never wanted to see my partner again. No problem. But I will definitely mind if another thing of the sort comes up.

"So the next time this happens again, you'll be watching what he'll do is that it?" he asked. "In a way," I answered.

"I see this as a matter of trustworthiness for you," he continued, "you'd like to see if he means what he say--that when he says he loves you, he will give as much as you. Is that it?"

I nodded. "And this is the 1% that you're talking about--about not being able to trust him," he concluded. Another nod.

I mentioned that yesterday, I’d found my crawlspace. That small space where I can just be and not feel anything, no hurt whatsoever, that if in the event that he falls into that 1% and makes me lose the 99% of trust that I’d invested in him, I could just walk away. And I realized that I found myself again. And now I felt that I was closer to finding that balance between giving to the relationship, and keeping a bit to myself, so I can be safe, just in case.

The doctor said that this was a good thing—I’ve found myself and I’m trying to balance the scales so that I don’t lose myself again. “You’ve got to temper it however,” he said carefully, “you’re in a relationship that you want to work. Therefore you’ve still got to give. Don't indulge in that space.”

I told him that I am willing to give a hundred percent—everything, but only with the assurance that he was going to do the same thing. This merited a questioning glance from the doctor. I told him that for example, there are a lot of times when I feel isolated from the affections he gives the two dogs as opposed to the affection he gives to me.

There are a lot of times where I watch them and he is in front of me and I’m all alone at another end of the room, isolated. And this, I said, was an example of non-giving. I don’t want to give everything just to beg for attention and love later on—it’s very dog-like, and while I love dogs, well…it’s just not right to have to ask for your partner to pay attention to you.

The doctor said that this was typical for couples who hadn’t settled down yet—and that we hadn't settled yet because of the mistrust. “You knew his track record from the start, and small things have happened between you two that cast doubt on his fidelity. And this is a symptom. In psychology we call this the distancer—pursuer dynamic. What remains to be seen and what is needed is for him to prove, with time, that he is trustworthy.”

This dynamic is one where one half of the relationship plays the role of the one distancing the affection, giving cause for the other to pursue the distancer for more attention. I said, “that’s exactly how it feels. I don’t know if it’s just in my head, but it is obvious because when I just ignore them and do my thing, he tends to come up and ask for my attention.”

The doctor nodded his head. “I think you’ve gotten better though,” he says as we close our hour-long session. “You’re more balanced than when we started, and you’re not even taking medication, you’re coping, you’ve found yourself—you’re getting better. And this is a really good thing. I hope we can keep up the progress.”

I shook his hand, got the money, and I went out the door to fetch my partner from his work. When in love, you just gotta do some things sometimes I guess.

Labels: pointless, psych

posted by triggered_shot # 12/07/2011 03:20:00 PM

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