12.25.2011
tidings of comfort and joy posted at 12/25/2011 10:21:00 PM
this is how christmas smells:
cigarette dank agains december
chill, alcohol a slow
waft in the air. my older relatives are
laughing, old men having uncorked
a bottle of whiskey, and tonight i feel
young again--
i am a kid, uncomfortable and alone. my
cousins are strange, and we don't talk.
unlike before, younger, conspiring against
adults we ran around ignoring the christmas
lanterns fading into the night. sometimes
we lit sparklers and laughed
until midnight. now we are older,
and every christmas we become perpetual
teenagers, squirming and conscious of
the months we've never spent. i am too old, or
you are too young, or you are too old and
we live too differently. later on when we're alone
we discover faults, like
how i smoke too, and drink too much. you've
handled crystal and i still snort coke. i'm sorry
your niece has shitty relatives. i'm sorry you have
cancer. i haven't stopped drinking and
we're talking about nothing and doging
years of separate heartbreak,
and we know this. it is christmas time,
december cold as i puff the last stick,
draw it out for all it's worth, throw
the ember on the ground.
ooo
It's nice to know that despite the terrifically terrible year, some things you can still count on. My family were the usual--I could count on them for wine and champagne at midnight. Coffee and tablea chocolate to sober up, good gifts, mild awkwardness.
These things never change, even when I don't know what to do with my life these days. It's good to know that at least I can count on my family to get a little quality alcohol in me to deal with the holidays, no need for a xanax or a joint, just plain old wine.
Labels: blame it on chemicals, sad
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