12.01.2011
make amends, make a vow posted at 12/01/2011 12:23:00 PM
Somehow after being diagnosed with Bipolar II, I imagined a series of long halls, wistful looking out of windows in some asylum, pills that make you go off the edge being constantly switched around, and this hanging sense of non-control.
I initially imagined being forced to go to a sort of Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous for crazy people. "Hi, I'm Jacob. I barely hung in a few weeks ago when I was ready to buy cyanide and sleeping pills, rent a cheap motel room and send the last few love notes through text messages to all those painful loves: family, friends, lover. It was very clear and I was about to do it if not for a new acquaintance who talked me out of it, and diverted my attention."
I mean seriously. Currently what I've learned is that I can still make choices, I have to fight for it though--not in the sense that anyone is stopping me, but that I have to be more aware if it's actually me talking, or the mental disorder. It's crippling, to say the least.
Some days I wake up and feel so hopeless about my relationship, that my partner isn't supportive enough, or that he wants to see other people because he's with someone who just got on the crazy train. And when I look at it objectively, I don't have heavy evidence.
Imagine it was a court trial for adultery, older accounts of cheating, lying, hiding, answering unknown numbers, strange messages for a while, silent statements of not being over their ex are the evidence I have--he is doubtful, sure. Even my psych says that. Hence I'm doubtful. But it doesn't hold water, because when we present declarations of love and loyalty, a willingness to show messages and history, his putting himself aside to give way for me--doesn't compute. Since I feel hopeless (as evidenced by right now and since the other day) I should, logically, chalk it up to the depression brought about by this disorder.
But see that's not how this thing works. I can rationalize all I want but the feelings aren't going away until they want to--and this is why it's so debilitating. I have to constantly hide these emotions because for most people, emotions are triggered as a response to an event. For people like me, emotions appear out of nowhere, and the hardest part is, amplified when an event that agrees with the emotion occurs.
For example--I'm on the up part of the disorder. For me it's called hypomania, not too manic that I become psychotic, but high energy levels, choices made without rational thought, participation in illegal drug use, racing thoughts and speech patterns; these are all terribly textbook and they all occur give or take on or two symptoms.
But anyway, let's say I'm on the up part of this thing, and I'm at this fun party and everyone's fucked up and just happy. What'll happen is that I'll feed off this and bounce it back and my reaction to everyone and everything for that moment is happy! Boundless energy and joy! You want more drinks? Sure let me buy us some! Or I want more drinks I don't care if I'm getting home or not more drinks! Or You're offering me cocaine? Why yes I'd love to snort some of that stuff up, and perhaps ask you for more later! I want to see pretty lights, where can I get ecstacy? HAHAHAHA LET US LAUGH AND GOSSIP etc. etc. You get the point.
It's the same for my depressive phases. I become totally insecure and vulnerable and I know that anyone can take advantage of me so I become irritated and sad as a defense, then I start thinking my partner will take advantage of my depressive state, or that he wants out because no one wants to be with a sad person, or if my partner says or does something that truly bothers me but in a normal state, I can brush it aside--in a depressive state, I just react and react and sink into the quicksand of doom.
And this is why this thing is terrible for relationships. You become much more self-destructive, and you unwittingly sabotage your environment, the people around you.
But of course there's a flipside. I'll reference my psych just because it makes more sense when I use what he says. "Loving partners will be supportive and understand," to paraphrase our long winding talks about my relationship, mood, brain chemistry, etc. Basically partners who want to make it work will do everything they can to make it work--not just for the bipolar partner, but also what it takes to keep themselves healthy. Of course on another hand partners can choose whether or not to be supportive, and a lot of them aren't, but choose to stay in the relationship. It doesn't seem fair if they don't want to be supportive but stay in the relationship, but it happens--so in a lot of ways, it's hard for the bipolar person to cope with this.
Moving on. I've officially (as far as I know) been diagnosed not just with Bipolar II, but also Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder since August/September, if I recall right. It hasn't been what I imagined psych patients go through, but in a lot of ways it is. Medication problems fucking up with my mood, symptoms manifesting and taking supreme efforts to rein in, feeling stupid (like now, I have write pointless posts just to get stuff out of my head. I used to be so meticulous about these things) and other stuff.
People think it's so easy because we seem normal, but it really takes so much effort just to keep yourself in check--whether you're up or down--because we endanger ourselves, and possibly other people in the process.
Labels: feelings, pointless, psych, sad, technical
about
