12.05.2011
i just had to take a moment to not cry today. posted at 12/05/2011 05:02:00 PM
27
Nerisa Del Carmen Guevara
And by the time I reach 80
I would have fallen in love with
An entire city.
All the people on the streets
Would follow me down with
A knowing.
All hate gone. All sorrow.
The word absence would not
make sense.
The dinosaurs are still underground;
All the species the eco-warriors were not able to save
Have walked without regret to wastelands they haven’t found yet;
Most of the people we love, walking or dead,
Are sometimes in the dust we sweep out on Sundays.
The trees always leave an instant mix,
Just add water
And we are still
Here
Remembering even what we try to forget.
The once loved, the once loving,
The kept, the abandoned,
Finally making sense of it all.
****
I miss my mentor a lot--Nerisa, or as I used to call her, Ricci, was a woman who gave so much wisdom and constantly helped pull me out of my desperate sea. But actions taken are never ones that can be undone, only forgiven and even then not forgotten.
Today, I think I need that wisdom more these days. I contemplated sending her a hello message, and tell her that I missed being her son in poetry, and realized that it might not come out of fruition anyway. I just miss the wisdom and comradeship.
Labels: feelings, poetry, sad
to be quite honest; posted at 12/05/2011 03:38:00 PM
I don't think he loves me as much as he did his last lover. I know he's over it, but I know he won't ever be able to give me that much. This is a fact I need to get over--I will not be posted in photos of his own accord, I will not be thought of always, I will be seen as selfish at times, I will not content him if I simply go along as it is.
But I have no choice--if I value being sane and alive, if I value only the barest minimum: survival, then I must leave a little space for myself, the smallest. Most compact. To want nothing.
 |
| Nerisa Del Carmen Guevara, from her book Reaching Destination |
I know that he loves me to the fullest extent of his heart, and that he does his best. I know that it is useless to mourn such a small thing, and useless to mourn love that would never come but I feel so delicately, I guess, more delicately than I would permit myself to admit. And this is what has always been missing between us--he would not have dropped his life for me, unless I ask, would not have given unless asked for, and what is such a request granted if it had to be asked in the first place?
I remember his past lover's things stagnating in his old apartment, where he constantly asked me to occupy--out of consideration to him, I let it be, and later on, out of consideration to myself, I asked for it to be gone. And that is how it has always been, me forcing open shut doors and seeing only what wounds me, and deciding, later on, after telling myself that he would do it of his own accord for himself, realize it wouldn't be so. And so I ask.
I believe in sacrifice and giving, but I understand its beauty only when given freely, perhaps pointed out later, but nonetheless; freely.
Today a friend wrote on their Facebook, "occupy yourself so that nothing else can," and to me it sounded like the best advice for not drowning. I must, once again, learn to be small.
Labels: feelings, ignore me, love, sad
posted at 12/05/2011 03:07:00 PM
I think I'm going to lose my job.You wake up in the morning and there's just no drive to even exist sometimes. You know that feeling? I hope you don't, it's a terrible feeling, it's not even sad. It's a flat, feelingless state. In fact it's only a feeling because it replaces eery other feeling you have.
My partner's ex is spreading bullshit about me--which doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things, but it's just depressing to know that there's misguided hate going my way, and that the reason that person is so angry is because he was hidden the painful truth that he has every right to now--in fact, needs to know. But of course I cannot force the truth because it doesn't come from me, shouldn't even. What's worse is that he ill-wishes this relationship I work so hard on, it's hardly fair. I never took away that person's chance for a good relationship, he did that job very well on his own. And goddamnit I am not going to be scapegoat for my partner's and his ex's past mistakes.
I'm just glad I'm managing to hang on to sanity somehow. I just hope my partner doesn't begrudge me for what I'm saying right now--I don't blame him, he has his reasons.
Labels: feelings, they never owed you
12.01.2011
a little off the edge. posted at 12/01/2011 05:48:00 PM
Right now I'm thinking maybe if I scour his facebook friendslist I'm sure to see old hook-ups who still flirt with him. It would be so easy to make a hitlist--I've got money, resources, a bit of political backing, I can be clever and let's face it--not the first time I'd be arrested. And I know how to make a silencer. So now I'm putting it out here so I don't have to think about it because that thought scares me. I might just do it if I snap, and that wouldn't be a good thing.
****
Anyway, my real plan right now is to get a better looking body because I've begun to get flabby what with eating three regular meals a day ever since I got together with my partner. So I have to exercise more--plus research shows it produces more dopamine, adrenaline/other feel-good chemicals in the brain. So there. Plus I feel that the boyfriend is getting less and less interested in sex (well, in a way I mean not that interested in sex anymore) and I have a feeling it's because all those other perfect-looking single people are enticing him or something.
****
God now that I think about it, I'm too obsessed with my boyfriend. That's the word, obsessed. The psych was right--I shouldn't be relying on him, shouldn't be placing even a part of the burden on him. I hope I don't get disappointed though.
Labels: feelings
meet mario: posted at 12/01/2011 04:36:00 PM
If anything I'm just glad I've got a partner who tries to understand me the best he can, at least. Sometimes I just wish he'd tell me what he feels honestly though. It's hard when I feel that I have to keep on second guessing what he feels like, it kind of makes it difficult to cope with the relationship and my insecurities keep coming out when I have to deduce what he feels. Is this selfish though? I just want to keep him healthy and not have him handle my episodes--because they're mine.
While I'll acknowledge that starting this relationship with him flicked that trigger, I regret nothing--if this is the price it took to chase happiness with him, someone I hope is the one I can spend the rest of my life with, then I couldn't be happier.
I just want to make it easier for him--for us.
I hope we work out.
Labels: feelings, love
make amends, make a vow posted at 12/01/2011 12:23:00 PM
Somehow after being diagnosed with Bipolar II, I imagined a series of long halls, wistful looking out of windows in some asylum, pills that make you go off the edge being constantly switched around, and this hanging sense of non-control.
I initially imagined being forced to go to a sort of Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous for crazy people. "Hi, I'm Jacob. I barely hung in a few weeks ago when I was ready to buy cyanide and sleeping pills, rent a cheap motel room and send the last few love notes through text messages to all those painful loves: family, friends, lover. It was very clear and I was about to do it if not for a new acquaintance who talked me out of it, and diverted my attention."
I mean seriously. Currently what I've learned is that I can still make choices, I have to fight for it though--not in the sense that anyone is stopping me, but that I have to be more aware if it's actually me talking, or the mental disorder. It's crippling, to say the least.
Some days I wake up and feel so hopeless about my relationship, that my partner isn't supportive enough, or that he wants to see other people because he's with someone who just got on the crazy train. And when I look at it objectively, I don't have heavy evidence.
Imagine it was a court trial for adultery, older accounts of cheating, lying, hiding, answering unknown numbers, strange messages for a while, silent statements of not being over their ex are the evidence I have--he is doubtful, sure. Even my psych says that. Hence I'm doubtful. But it doesn't hold water, because when we present declarations of love and loyalty, a willingness to show messages and history, his putting himself aside to give way for me--doesn't compute. Since I feel hopeless (as evidenced by right now and since the other day) I should, logically, chalk it up to the depression brought about by this disorder.
But see that's not how this thing works. I can rationalize all I want but the feelings aren't going away until they want to--and this is why it's so debilitating. I have to constantly hide these emotions because for most people, emotions are triggered as a response to an event. For people like me, emotions appear out of nowhere, and the hardest part is, amplified when an event that agrees with the emotion occurs.
For example--I'm on the up part of the disorder. For me it's called hypomania, not too manic that I become psychotic, but high energy levels, choices made without rational thought, participation in illegal drug use, racing thoughts and speech patterns; these are all terribly textbook and they all occur give or take on or two symptoms.
But anyway, let's say I'm on the up part of this thing, and I'm at this fun party and everyone's fucked up and just happy. What'll happen is that I'll feed off this and bounce it back and my reaction to everyone and everything for that moment is happy! Boundless energy and joy! You want more drinks? Sure let me buy us some! Or I want more drinks I don't care if I'm getting home or not more drinks! Or You're offering me cocaine? Why yes I'd love to snort some of that stuff up, and perhaps ask you for more later! I want to see pretty lights, where can I get ecstacy? HAHAHAHA LET US LAUGH AND GOSSIP etc. etc. You get the point.
It's the same for my depressive phases. I become totally insecure and vulnerable and I know that anyone can take advantage of me so I become irritated and sad as a defense, then I start thinking my partner will take advantage of my depressive state, or that he wants out because no one wants to be with a sad person, or if my partner says or does something that truly bothers me but in a normal state, I can brush it aside--in a depressive state, I just react and react and sink into the quicksand of doom.
And this is why this thing is terrible for relationships. You become much more self-destructive, and you unwittingly sabotage your environment, the people around you.
But of course there's a flipside. I'll reference my psych just because it makes more sense when I use what he says. "Loving partners will be supportive and understand," to paraphrase our long winding talks about my relationship, mood, brain chemistry, etc. Basically partners who want to make it work will do everything they can to make it work--not just for the bipolar partner, but also what it takes to keep themselves healthy. Of course on another hand partners can choose whether or not to be supportive, and a lot of them aren't, but choose to stay in the relationship. It doesn't seem fair if they don't want to be supportive but stay in the relationship, but it happens--so in a lot of ways, it's hard for the bipolar person to cope with this.
Moving on. I've officially (as far as I know) been diagnosed not just with Bipolar II, but also Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder since August/September, if I recall right. It hasn't been what I imagined psych patients go through, but in a lot of ways it is. Medication problems fucking up with my mood, symptoms manifesting and taking supreme efforts to rein in, feeling stupid (like now, I have write pointless posts just to get stuff out of my head. I used to be so meticulous about these things) and other stuff.
People think it's so easy because we seem normal, but it really takes so much effort just to keep yourself in check--whether you're up or down--because we endanger ourselves, and possibly other people in the process.
Labels: feelings, pointless, psych, sad, technical
about
