about
hands above the water;
If you have to know, it's like you shoot me and I keep shooting blanks in the dark. Your mouth is a gun, and your actions the bullets. Sometimes I remember when I was a drifter with a gun. // Bipolar II and 22, loving is harder when you're always closer to the edge.

archives


run like the law's behind you
12.05.2011
to be quite honest; posted at 12/05/2011 03:38:00 PM

I don't think he loves me as much as he did his last lover. I know he's over it, but I know he won't ever be able to give me that much. This is a fact I need to get over--I will not be posted in photos of his own accord, I will not be thought of always, I will be seen as selfish at times, I will not content him if I simply go along as it is.


But I have no choice--if I value being sane and alive, if I value only the barest minimum: survival, then I must leave a little space for myself, the smallest. Most compact. To want nothing.



Nerisa Del Carmen Guevara, from her book Reaching Destination


I know that he loves me to the fullest extent of his heart, and that he does his best. I know that it is useless to mourn such a small thing, and useless to mourn love that would never come but I feel so delicately, I guess, more delicately than I would permit myself to admit. And this is what has always been missing between us--he would not have dropped his life for me, unless I ask, would not have given unless asked for, and what is such a request granted if it had to be asked in the first place? 


I remember his past lover's things stagnating in his old apartment, where he constantly asked me to occupy--out of consideration to him, I let it be, and later on, out of consideration to myself, I asked for it to be gone. And that is how it has always been, me forcing open shut doors and seeing only what wounds me, and deciding, later on, after telling myself that he would do it of his own accord for himself, realize it wouldn't be so. And so I ask. 


I believe in sacrifice and giving, but I understand its beauty only when given freely, perhaps pointed out later, but nonetheless; freely.


Today a friend wrote on their Facebook, "occupy yourself so that nothing else can," and to me it sounded like the best advice for not drowning. I must, once again, learn to be small.

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posted by triggered_shot  # 12/05/2011 03:38:00 PM
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# posted by Blogger triggered_shot : December 5, 2011 at 4:48 PM
 
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